tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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