good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
