I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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