I think scott just propositioned me for sex
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
