I need to stop coming to work sober
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
