Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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