im drinking this country out of the recession.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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