I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
