3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
