i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't turn off my feet"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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