There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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