If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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