dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
