I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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