no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
