im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
