So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
