I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
