How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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