either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I see more hoeing in ur future
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
