Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
