i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
