either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
