i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize