I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
