either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize