Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
