So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
