I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
