totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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