It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize