By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
