i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
