Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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