how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
