Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My life is pants optional.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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