you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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