I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
