so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
