your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
