I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
