maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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