I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
