I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
