I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
