He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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