Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
