let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
