Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
