and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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