I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
