So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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