just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
