this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
