The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
